You follow the tractor pull circuit.
You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in 
your house.
Your primary income involves pigs or manure.
Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
You’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
Your a member of the “Chaw of the Month Club”.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
You’ve ever been hunting on a tractor.
Your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.
You must go through more than two gates to get to your 
home.
You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow pies.
Three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on 
them.
You can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law 
against it.
You’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral 
procession.
You dated your daddy’s current wife when you were in high 
school.
You have to go outside to get to the bathroom.
You own a denim leisure suit with bell-bottom pants.
Your daddy walks you to school because your both in the 
same grade.
Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end”.
Your coat of arms features a tire iron.
Going to the post office requires your truck to have over a 
half tank of gas.
You've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct 
tape.
You use Armor-all on your leather jacket.
Your spare tire is a cement block.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
Your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You keep a can of Raid on your kitchen table.
You hammer bottle caps into your front door to make it look 
nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
There are more than five McDonald's bags on the floorboard 
of your truck.
Fewer than half of your vehicles run.
Your truck has never had a full tank of gas.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a 
couple of days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four smart relatives 
to fix it.
Your momma has ammo on her xmas list.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' 
dog.
The dog catcher calls for a back-up unit when he comes to 
your house.
Your wife has ever said, "move this transmission so I can 
take a bath".
The flood history of your area can be seen on your walls.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your momma has been asked to leave a bingo hall because of 
her language.
Bikers are afraid of your momma.
You think Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your momma tore her best dress coon huntin.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a 
six pack.
You refer to your time in the fifth grade as your senior 
year.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor’s yard.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
You wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.
You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a 
chicken bone.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
Your baby’s crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
You’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake 
roundup.
You were expelled from summer school.
Your wife’s best pair of shoes have steel toes.
Your best pair of shoes are red and green and  have numbers 
on the heels.
Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait shops.
You’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat 
breakfast.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
Your deceased hunting dog’s tombstone is larger than your 
grandfather’s.
Your family’s #1 enemy is revenuers.
When describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a 
brick.”
Your favorite cap says “Babymaker”.
Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
You refer to your dog as your youngest.
You select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.
Your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a 
taxidermist.
You own ever Box Car Willie album.
You show strangers your war wound.
You own a trophy that includes the words “cow chip toss” on 
it.
You’ve ever made love in a tire swing.
You taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger”.
The church social committee is afraid to meet at your house
The Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong 
furniture.
You fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.
Your mailing address includes the word “holler”.
There are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.
You get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene 
concerns.
You are allowed to take your dog to work.
Redneck Driving Etiquette ...
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the 
gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the 
largest tires
always has the right of way
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is 
impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially 
when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids 
can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Personal Hygiene ...
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a 
hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the 
sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that 
should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A 
cigarette lighter  and a
small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and 
save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when 
using this method.
Redneck Dining Out ...
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After 
all, their mobile
home costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Entertaining in Your Home ...
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything 
prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter 
how good his manners
are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the 
decency to leave them
alone for a few minutes.
Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) ...
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 
first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been 
wanting to go out
with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall 
two years ago."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom 
wall, water tower, or
an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in 
frustration.
Redneck Theater Etiquette ...
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up 
immediately after the
movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests 
have proven they can't
hear you.
Redneck Wedding Etiquette ...
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot 
it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost 
effective but also a
proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a 
cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though 
uncomfortable, say
yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions ...
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press 
charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at 
them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's 
car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, 
it's considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public 
toilets, especially if
other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
REDNECK DICTIONARY
HEIDI - (noun) Greeting HIRE YEW- (complete sentence) 
Completes the greeting
"Heidi" Usage: Heidi, Hire Yew?
BARD- (verb) Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow" 
Usage: My brother BARD
my pickup truck.
JAWJUH- (noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is 
Lanner. Usage: My
brother from JAWJUH bard my pickup truck.
BAMMER- (noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is 
Berminhayum. Usage: A
tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in 
improvements.
MUNTS- (noun) A calendar division. Usage: My brother from 
Jawjuh bard my
pickup truck and I ain't herd from him in munts.
THANK- (verb) Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah 
thank ah'll have a
bare."
BARE- (noun) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, 
and yeast. Usage: ah
thank ah'll have a bare.
IGNERT- (adj) Not smart. See Arkansas native. Usage: Them 
boys sure are
ignert.
RANCH- (noun) A tool used for tight'nin bolts. Usage: I 
thank I left my ranch
in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh 
bard a few munts ago.
ALL- (noun) A petroleum based lubricant. Usage: "I sure 
hope my brother from
Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck"
FAR- (noun) A conflagaration. Usage: If my brother from 
Jawjuh don't change
the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far.
TAR- (noun) A rubber wheel. Usage: I sure hope that brother 
of mine from
Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.
TIRE- (noun) A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin and the 
creek don't rise, I
sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD- (verb) To stop working. Usage: My paw retard at 65.
FAT- (noun, verb) 1. a battle or combat 2. to engage in 
battle or combat
Usage: "You young'ins keep fat'in, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh.
RATS- (noun) Entitled power or privilege. Usage: We 
Southerners are willin to
fat fro our rats.
FARN- (adj) Not local. Usage: I cuddint unnerstand a wurd 
he sed.....mus'be
from some farn country
DID- (adj) Not alive. Usage: He's did, Maw.
BOB WAR- (noun)- A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy stay 
away from that bob
war fence."
HAZE- (contraction) Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Naw...haze 
ignert."
VIEW-(contraction) verb and pronoun Usage: "I ain't never 
seed New York
City....view?"
GUMMIT- (noun) A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "them 
gummit boys shore are
ignert"